Nope, she's not been born yet.
Tuesday marks Week 33! Which is wonderful!! I'm still leaking fluid, but the baby is still in there! And as far as all the monitors and doctors and nurses are concerned, she's doing great! She's got a strong heartbeat and because I'm still leaking amniotic fluid, the doctors say that it's a sign that her kidneys are working, because it's essentially fetal urine that's coming out. So from what they can tell, she looks good. Hopefully, for her sake, she can make it until next Tuesday. That's all the good updates, so if you want only good news, stop reading.
Mom, on the other hand, is fading fast. I feel like because I'm using this as an online journal for the time being, I'm allowed to write whatever I want and however I'm feeling. And quite honestly, I'm thrilled that she's getting healthier by the day, but I can feel my morale starting to dip. My body is so overloaded with emotions and so little sleep that I don't even feel like myself anymore. You would think that when you get to be in bed all day you get to sleep, and maybe that's the case for some, but not for me. I have people in and out all the time. From sun up to sun up. Every four hours minimun is required vital taking time, and they come in about 3 or 4 times during those 4 hours. So getting any productive rest is hard.
And then there's my Max. Absolutely breaks my heart that I'm not with him. All I want is to snuggle and love my little boy. Facetime and Skype can only give you so much. I feel like each day that I don't get to see him, puts me further down. Makes me feel like a lousy mother that I can't even take care of my own child, scratch that, I can't even take care of either child correctly. Max is in Lewiston with Heidi and my body has so epically failed for this little girl that I can't even stay pregnant long enough for her to be healthy. It's a bitter ride that my emotions are taking me on and the longer I sit here in this hospital bed, the worse I feel.
My mother-in-law reminded me of a sign that I have in my kitchen window that says "We Can Do Hard Things". I suppose I should think of that more often, because whether I think I can, or I feel like I can't, there's really no where to go but forward. I guess I'm just struggling with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.