July 17th

Nope, she's not been born yet.


Tuesday was an interesting day, emotions wise. Of course everything is the same pregnancy wise. The baby still looks great and hasn't gone into distress and I never really developed an infection. So the date is still set for tomorrow morning.

My mom arrived in town last night, but it was late so she didn't come up to the hospital, but I did get to see her this morning!! That was WONDERFUL!! Oh how I've missed my mom!! It was so good to see her and laugh with her and just sit in the same room with her. There's something about seeing my mom that does wonders for my soul. Except for when we play Boggle together. Then she makes up words and they end up actually being words. Like "yoe" and "thar". Seriously??  She stayed around until about 6pm and then she left. She'd been here all day and my "yummy" hospital dinner had arrived and I think it was making her hungry, so she left to go get her own dinner and run some errands before the crazy set in.

My emotions had been fine, all day. Until about 8pm. When I think it actually, mentally set in that I was having a baby tomorrow. How is that possible, some may ask... but I feel like this whole thing isn't real. Or I just can't believe that this is how it turned out. That I've been in the hospital for 2 weeks, or that my baby is premature, or that I have to have a c-section. Even this afternoon, tomorrow morning felt like a long way off. And now that it was literally right around the corner, I may have lost it a little. My mom called (which always makes me cry), and my dad called (also cried) and then I called Heidi. That's when I really lost it, and basically couldn't pull it together after that. I called her to ask how Max was doing and couldn't even get past "hello" before I started crying. She told me stories and about some of the stuff they'd been doing and that he's been pretty happy, and it was nice to hear. Except it makes me feel like I missing it. Which, I am. But no mother likes to feel that way when it comes to her children. I think being apart from Max has been the absolute worst part of this whole ordeal. That part, is torture. Which is unfortunate because it will still be about 2 weeks until I have him back with me all the time. But at least it will be easier, or even an option, for me to go see him. And at least he'll be with his dad if he can't be with me.

After my phone call with Heidi (where I tried really hard not to let her know that I was having a breakdown) my nurse came in and gave me two Ambien so that I could try to get some kind of good night's sleep. It worked, because I don't remember much after that, other than Kyle woke me up around 11 to eat a sandwich, because I'm basically not allowed to eat until tomorrow afternoon-ish. That doesn't sound like fun to me. I like eating.

I'll update tomorrow, hopefully. Don't hold your breath though. We'll see how it all goes.

July 16th

Nope, she's not been born yet. Monday was pretty uneventful. I sat in bed most of the day and worked on crafts. Which was really nice and relaxing. I watched a couple chick flicks and even indulged in a guilty pleasure (Real Housewives of Orange County Reunion). Those women are mean!!! Kyle went golfing with Nico, Jake, and Kyra to some course he's had his eye on since we got here and was gone for like 6 hours!! It took so long!! I'm not complaining or anything, it's not like there were things to do here at the hospital, but in all his golfing adventures, it's never taken 6 hours. I was beginning to question whether he remembered where the hospital was. But oh well. He had a good time and that's all I really care about. Max is having a good time as well in Lewiston. Aunt Heidi is basically the best ever! She sends me photos throughout the day and I LOVE it!! Makes me feel like I'm not mIssing out on that much, even though I'm missing everything. But only a couple more days until I get to see him again!! SO EXCITED! And only one day left on bedrest. I'm having so many different emotions right now, I don't even know what to do with them all. Hopefully I remember to update tonight before my c-section tomorrow morning. After that, it's going to be crazy.

July 14th, July 15th

Nope, she's not been born yet. Saturday and Sunday were basically the same pregnancy wise as the last couple days. Nothing has developed (infection wise) and baby girl looks healthy as she can from the monitors. Which is a good sign. I'm pretty positive that she'll stay in until Wednesday. Which is a good thing, no matter how boring it is for Kyle and I to just sit here. I'm trying to think if anything significant has happened these last couple days, but nothing comes to mind. Kyle and I have discovered a new game that has occupied lots of hours here. Boggle. It's ridiculous how fun it is. Or maybe it's not really that fun, it's just that there's nothing else to do here. Max went home in Saturday night. He was up here from Thursday night so it was so good to see him. He was such a cuddle bug. Saturday he even fell asleep on the hospital bed with me. He hasn't napped like that in a long time. Kyle kept asking if I wanted him to move Max into his porta-crib that we had set up, but I couldn't. I just wanted to keep him sleeping so peacefully in my arms. Eventually Kyle did move him because I would have fallen off the bed. Max can be quite the bed hog. But it's ok. He's still adorable. My mom is coming up on Tuesday. It will be so nice to see her. She always calms me down. Only two more days here on bedrest. Then I'm just in bed to recover from my c-section. But at least I'll be able to get up when I feel like it. I am REALLY looking forward to that. I'll let you know if anything else pops up. Kyle and I are ready for this part of it to be done. But you never know, watching our baby in the NICU could make us wish for me on bed rest instead.

July13th

Nope, she's not been born yet. Today was a good day. There's nothing different when it comes to my pregnancy and bed rest, but my emotions are so much better. It makes such a difference to be able to see my boy. Even if it is just for a couple hours a day. Plus my dad is in town and who doesn't love to see their dad? I think it's good for Kyle too. Having Max here has given him something to do during the day, although my dad took Max to work with him today. Of course Max was perfect for him. Max is usually perfect for the people who watch him. Friday marks the beginning of the 9th day that I've been in the hospital. It's kind of funny to me, I feel like in the moment, the days last so long. But when I think about last Thursday, it feels like forever ago. I'm glad I've been keeping some kind of a journal because I can't remember those first couple days. It's crazy. I still can't believe this is happening. I wrote this update on my iPod, so it's short and sweet. Hopefully I can find a computer to write a better update tomorrow. Plus my dad, Kyle, and Max are on their way to the hospital with doughnuts. Yum!

July 12th

Nope, she's not been born yet.

I have to convince myself every day that it's a good thing.

I mentioned yesterday that they were doing a 24 hour collection of my urine and I am happy to say that it's over! That was such a pain. The doctor came in after they had gotten the results and let me know that I have twice the protein in my urine than is normal. Which he said he thought would be the case because they took a urine sample on monday or something and it had a little protein in it. He didn't seem too concerned about it though. They are coming in more often now to monitor my blood pressure, because high blood pressure and protein in my urine mean preeclampsia. Which I got the impression that he didn't think I had it, but you never know. I guess they'll monitor me and we'll see what happens. Hopefully I don't have to deal with that so that I can make it to Wednesday, but he says that if I develop preeclampsia, I most likely wouldn't make it to Wednesday.

My sweet husband went and picked up Max today! I can't explain to you what seeing him did for my feeble little heart! It was so good to kiss and hug him and to have him run right at me! Max must surely be from my Heavenly Father because I felt His love for me when my son hugged me. As cheesy as some may think that sounds.

My dad arrived last night too. He's in town until Saturday for business. He's going to help us with Max because there's only so much time that a 1 year old can spend in a hospital room. My dad said he was excited to take him to work with him. He did it before when I was visiting my parents in Phoenix, and of course Max was perfect for him. Plus, I think my dad just loves spending time with Max. Who wouldn't? But, of course, I'm bias.

Grandpa Heppler also came into town last night for a fly fishing convention. He came to the hospital and brought me probably the best gift I've gotten since I got here. He said he wanted to make sure he got me something practical. So guess what it was....... a cork. Ha. Kyle and I actually laughed pretty hard. Oh Grandpa....

As difficult as these last couple days have been for me, I can't help but notice all the blessings that have basically fallen into my lap the last couple weeks. Heavenly Father has a plan, and He knows what's best for me and my family and I don't. There have been so many tender mercies lately, our lives have been so blessed. The longer we go down this road, and it's still a long hard road for us, the more aware I am of how much my Heavenly Father loves me.

"Mercies and blessings come in different forms--sometimes as hard things. Yet the Lord said, 'Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things' (D&C 59:7). All things means just that: good things, difficult things--not just some things. He has commanded us to be grateful because He knows being grateful will make us happy. This is another evidence of His love." -Bonnie D. Parkin

I am grateful that I have the gospel, and such a strong love and support system around me to help me to remember to be grateful. It's not always easy for me, and I so easily feel defeated lately, but I have so many reminders to be grateful. So many tender mercies.

Until tomorrow...

July 11th

Nope, she's not been born yet.

The doctor came in this morning though and informed me that my c-section has been scheduled! Woo!!! Next Wednesday (July 18th) at 9:45a.m. Only one week left. So that's all well and good - if she stays in that long...

They're still concerned about me getting an infection. They've done by bloodwork now 3 times and each time my white blood cell count is a little high. My blood pressure has also been a little high and I run sparatic fevers... but because my fevers always break and I'm not exibiting any other symptoms, they don't seem too worried. They collected a urine sample from me and it showed that it had some protein in it and some blood..which sounds a little sketchy to me... My doctor (Dr. Forsnes) says that it could be the beginning of a UTI. Awesome. There's not a lot they can do about it now except for increasing their monitoring. Someone comes in about every 3 hours for vitals and now they are collecting all of my urine for the next 24 hours. I asked him what happens if it shows elevated levels of protein and he said that if that were the case, they may move up my due date. But we'll see. In all honesty, I'm still suprised that I've made it this long. Wednesday is day 7 for me in the hospital.

I'm going to go crazy.

In brighter news, my baby Max is coming up tomorrow to see me! I'm excited about that!!! Heidi and Kyle are meeting halfway and then Max is going to spend some quality time up here with his parents - well, mostly his daddy. But at least I'll be able to see him. It's really hard to not be able to see him, so I'm really hoping that it will help me to feel better about this whole thing. My dad is also arriving tomorrow night. He has business meetings in Spokane this week, but he'll be staying an extra day to spend some time with us. Which is great - I need my dad's love. It's also great for Kyle because that means he gets a break from sleeping on the horrible hospital couch sofa thing. Plus, it will give Kyle something to do. He needs something to do. He did bring his golf clubs up to Spokane but he doesn't get the student discount on these golf courses that he gets in Lewiston. So it's a whopping $30 bucks every time he wants to go. He's been a couple times, but our poor bank account can't handle much more. So hopefully having Max and my Dad here will be a nice distraction for him and he'll forget about how boring it is here at the hospital with me. Although we did play Jenga tonight - that was intense.

If all goes according to the new plan - I'll have a beautiful new baby girl next week. Even if everything doesn't go according to the plan, I'll still have a new baby girl next week. I'm just hoping she's healthy as she can be at this point.

Nothing else much has changed, I'm still not feeling contractions. But my back is starting to ache and my stomach is upset all the time. Probably because I've literally done no physical activity for the last 7 days and the food here is.... interesting, to say the least.

I can't wait to not lie down for, like, 8 years after this.

July 10th

Nope, she's not been born yet.

Tuesday marks Week 33! Which is wonderful!! I'm still leaking fluid, but the baby is still in there! And as far as all the monitors and doctors and nurses are concerned, she's doing great! She's got a strong heartbeat and because I'm still leaking amniotic fluid, the doctors say that it's a sign that her kidneys are working, because it's essentially fetal urine that's coming out. So from what they can tell, she looks good. Hopefully, for her sake, she can make it until next Tuesday. That's all the good updates, so if you want only good news, stop reading.

Mom, on the other hand, is fading fast. I feel like because I'm using this as an online journal for the time being, I'm allowed to write whatever I want and however I'm feeling. And quite honestly, I'm thrilled that she's getting healthier by the day, but I can feel my morale starting to dip. My body is so overloaded with emotions and so little sleep that I don't even feel like myself anymore. You would think that when you get to be in bed all day you get to sleep, and maybe that's the case for some, but not for me. I have people in and out all the time. From sun up to sun up. Every four hours minimun is required vital taking  time, and they come in about 3 or 4 times during those 4 hours.  So getting any productive rest is hard.

And then there's my Max. Absolutely breaks my heart that I'm not with him. All I want is to snuggle and love my little boy. Facetime and Skype can only give you so much. I feel like each day that I don't get to see him, puts me further down. Makes me feel like a lousy mother that I can't even take care of my own child, scratch that, I can't even take care of either child correctly. Max is in Lewiston with Heidi and my body has so epically failed for this little girl that I can't even stay pregnant long enough for her to be healthy. It's a bitter ride that my emotions are taking me on and the longer I sit here in this hospital bed, the worse I feel.

My mother-in-law reminded me of a sign that I have in my kitchen window that says "We Can Do Hard Things". I suppose I should think of  that more often, because whether I think I can, or I feel like I can't, there's really no where to go but forward. I guess I'm just struggling with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.